Move adults, not children.

 By Nellie Curtiss….

From my own experience, I’m saying, stop forcing families where domestic violence reigns to share or split custody of the children. Other mothers have shared the sentiment with me, as well.  Something is wrong with our system that uproots babies, toddlers, elementary, middle school age and teenagers to spend every other weekend and holidays and the whole summer with the abusive party. They say goodbye and cry being pulled from their mothers’ arms. 

What does this kind of personality change in caregivers do to the little ones? My ex was controlling and brutal to me. He nearly killed me when he injured my cervical spine. What did he impose on our child during his possession?

One episode a mother shared was when her baby boy was taken for the weekend. When the three-year-old returned to the apartment, his mom stooped down to welcome and hug him. The mother exclaims, “Oh, I love you!”

Then, pouting, the three-year-old shoves her away, and cries, “Only my Daddy loves me. You don’t love me. Only my daddy loves me!”

She hugged him and held him and explained that many people love him. Using a blackboard by his bed, the mom drew stick figures and names all the people who love him: his mom, his dad, grandma from mom’s side, grandma from dad’s side, his aunts, his other aunt and uncles, cousins, neighbors, his friends, and his friend’s mom and so on. She reminded him often of who all loved him so that he knew more than one parent and family loved him.

Another woman’s 5-year old returned from a stay with his father with a deadly mission.  When she held him in her lap, he slammed against her repeatedly as hard as he could. He carried a knife and declared he would kill her.  Before the divorce, the husband chased the naked woman around the yard so that she hid in culverts while he aimed and shot guns at her.

One mother shared how her daughter was always scared to go to her father’s because of abuse by her father and her brother. Still another story: a child would cry whenever he would have to go to his father’s. When he returned, his behavior was violent with kicking, and punching. He returned in disheveled clothing, dirty face and body. Still the courts required the child see his neglectful father.

The men were alcoholics, didn’t remember their violence when they abused alcohol, and were manipulating their sons despite the court orders not to alienate the other parent.

What becomes of adults when as children they were exposed every two weeks to psychopaths? As school children to young adult, do they face a mental health issues when they leave the comfort of their schools, activities, friends, and mothers?  How are children growing into civic minded and caring individuals when they are chastised that their music is of the devil, or their guitar was the devil’s instrument—as some parents are inclined to berate them?

It’s not fair or right to subject children to uprooting them and forcing two pajama sets, two bedrooms at different locations, or two sets of toys on them.  Instead, what if courts ordered that children stayed in the home where they knew friends, family, and their bedroom and the adults moved in and out like Isabella Rossellini’s divorced family did? (Finding Your Roots, Season 6 Episode 1, PBS) What if there was also required classes of support for parents to raise their children? Would these changes reduce the call of opioids and drunkenness that afflict our teens? Would these changes give the extra edge for children to navigate this quickly confusing and changing world? Children need consistency. Move adults between homes, not children.

—Nellie Curtiss is a former substance-prevention media specialist, journalist, and retired college professor who enjoys writing and fine arts. Contact her at columnsbynellie@gmail.com