By Nellie Curtiss …
Have you ever wanted to just die? Did you ever want to stop feeling down inside, or know someone who is hurting, too?
I spent most of my young adult years in a deep depressive fog. Back before selfies, teens took Kodak moments—the subjects were themselves and backdrops for their personal scrapbook—precursors to Facebook. In one such picture, I was surrounded by long eared stuffed dogs and teddy bears on the lawn. I looked at the camera, but there was no smile. It was the Cher look of the Sonny and Cher duo. I was sad—heck, the whole culture and counterculture was sad–even among friends and classmates just a street away.
At night, I cried. I have often wondered if those tears were fodder from 12 years and 11 different public schools, four states, three countries and leaving behind umpteen friends. My stepfather was a Master-Sergeant in the military; and such is the life of a “military brat,” as we were labeled then. Even at an elementary school age, my mother heard me sobbing after a nightmare and entered my room. On the side of my twin bed, she would hold me and rock me saying, “It’s only a bad dream.” Sometimes she’d say, “Pray to Jesus, Nellie.” Clutching hands with my mom, I refocused a prayer to Jesus. Then the monsters in my head dissipated; but, later returned night after night.
Years later as young married mom, I was living with my baby and abusive husband in an apartment with a fireplace. I would sit on the stone hearth and talk on a pink princess phone to my best friend about how hard it was to live with someone who was abusive. She would listen and walk me through another night of sorrow until we could almost touch the sunrise on the ledge.
Years later, I remember driving across the Galveston Causeway and thinking how easily I could whip the compact Nissan into the wall and plummet into the channel. The sadness hung on and on. In high school, my survival mechanism had always been walking and smiling between classes. When I shopped, I smiled. As I greeted new friends, I smiled. Before there was a book for it, I practiced happiness that Dr. Daniel Amen talks about on PBS. The 2010 book The Happiness Advantage, by Shawn Achor reveals that smiling does convince your brain to think clearer and problem solve more quickly. However, smiling all the time wasn’t shaking loose the gloom; so, I still entertained leaving the whole shebang behind.
Somewhere in my journey, I connected with mental health help, then a counselor, a group of women in bad relationships and later with a medical provider who prescribed a new medicine for me. It was a miracle for me because the thoughts of suicide have not returned in 25 years and in that 25 years my life has continued to tumble around the universe. Thank goodness that I reached out.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), writes on its website, “If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call 911 immediately. If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255). If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line. Locally, you can also call the SLV Behavioral Health 24-hour crisis help line: 719-589-3671
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. While suicide prevention is important to address year-round, Suicide Prevention Awareness Month is a dedicated time where we can all benefit from honest conversations about mental health conditions and suicide, because just one conversation can change a life.
— Nelda Curtiss is a retired college educator and long-time local columnist. Reach her at http://www.columnsbynellie.com or email her at columnsbynellie@columnsbynellie
Photo: Teens and adults may need help coping with social media triggers. Text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line. Courtesy photo from NAMI.org
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